House of Grebe
Funny Quotes
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"Choose Life. Choose a Job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage payments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase on a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday Morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a misrerable home, nothing more than an embarassment to the selfish fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose Your Future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?- Trainspotting

Retirement Plan

"If you  had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron,
you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom,
you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum
recycling price, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan."

"I once began a list of all the contradictory notions I hold:/ Look before you leap./ He who hesitates is lost./ Two heads are better than one./ If you want something done, do it yourself./ Nothing ventured, nothing gained./ Better safe than sorry./ Out of sight, out of mind./ Absence makes the heart grow fonder./ You can't tell a book by its cover./ Clothes make the man./ Many hands make light work./ Too many cooks spoil the broth./ You can't teach an old dog new tricks./ It's never too late to learn./ Never sweat the small stuff./ God is in the details./ And so on. The list goes on forever. Once I got so caught up in this kind of thinking that I wore two buttons on my smock when I was teaching art. One said, 'Trust me, I'm a teacher.' The other replied, 'Question authority.'"
-Robert Fulghum, Maybe, Maybe Not

"If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle TuesdayDo one thing every day that scares you.Sing.Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your life the most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still dont. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone. Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary what ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can dont be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own. Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you dont follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents; you never know when theyll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth. But trust me on the sunscreen " - Baz Luhrman

"What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?"

"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it." -forward

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot." -Steven Wright

"Memory is permanent." -Michael Ondaatje

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." -Joe Walsh

 "...genius has a way of cropping up in strange places."

"How peaceful life would be without love, how safe, how tranquil, and how dull." -The Name of the Rose

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." -Douglas Adams

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."

"The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in the microwave?" Frasier

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."

""The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved; the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." -Jack Kerouac

"There is no normal." Angus

""i used to be a skitzofrenic but were ok now"


"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day,
teach him how to use a net he wont bother you for weeks."

Take a few chances you wish you had later, live life a little more, fear a little less, and remember, When life gives you lemons, throw them back and tell life to MAKE ITS OWN DAMN LEMONADE!"

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway."

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

"If Practice means perfect, and no ones perfect, then whats the point of practice?!?"

"Fighting on the internet is alot like being in the special olympics, Even if you win your still retarded."

"M16- $3000
Black Ski Mask- $20
Tickets to see Barney- $15
Pleasure of killing the big purple dinosaur- Priceless"


"curiosity didnt kill the cat.... it made the kittens!!"


"It wouldn't be small if it was important"(in referance to the fine print on contracts)


"If winners never quit and quitters never win why should I quit while I'm ahead"


"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I've just erased it- now i forget which side i'm on!"


"A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You "dance" all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger."


"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world.
The unreasonable man persists in adapting the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on unreasonable men."


"A bird can fly but a fly can't bird. Think about it!"


"if 90% of the people in the world dont have it, why do they call it common sense?"


"I swear to drunk, I'm not God."


"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."


"give me a suggestion card.  here you go....'take care of your shit, and kiss my ass.'"


"but i turned around and walked away, becuase i didn't feel like arguing with god today."


"Kids in the back seat cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats cause kids"



"If you think life is bad..... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard. Only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys!! But worst of all...the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!!!!"


"Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Left... OH CRAP" - in reference to a not-so-bright person walking down stairs.


Her Gucci jeans...$78, the Abercrombie  shirt u bought her for X-mas...$58, Her Victoria Secret Panties ...$12. All YOUR Girlfriends clothes laying in MY floor... PRICELESS!!!"

"Quit worrying about the stupid things. You have 4 years to be irresponsible. Relax, work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time hanging out with your friends. So stay out late, go out on a Tuesday night when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend $ you dont have. Drink until sunrise. The work never ends... college does. "


College: The place where you have three options - to sleep, to study, or to party - but only get to pick two per semester."


"aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe


However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."-Winston Churchill

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."-George Bernard Shaw

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -Jerry Seinfeld

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " -Charlie Brown.

"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."-Geoff Arbuthnot

"If at first don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything."-Bill Lyon

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"And this whole thing with yearbook, it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book, to supposedly remember what happened but it's not even what really happened, it's what everyone thinks was supposed to happen. Because if you made a book of what really happened, it'd be a really depressing book. You know, in my humble opinion."

Finally, though, the jerk noticed her and came over and said hello. You should've seen the way they said hello. You'd have thought they hadn't seen each other in twenty years. You'd have thought they'd taken baths in the same bathtub or something when they were little kids. Old buddies. It was nauseating. The funny part was, they probably met each other just once, at some phony party.
--Catcher in the Rye

"My life has a superb cast, but I cant figure out the plot"

The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.
Sydney Harris


"That is the best - To laugh with someone because you both think the same thing is funny"
-Gloria Vanderbilt


"Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick."
-The Simpsons


"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by other people's rules while quietly playing by your own."
-Michael Korda


I quote others only to better express myself."
-Michel de Montaigne

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."


 "Teachers were kids once. I'll bet they had sex and they, Drank beer and smoked, too."
-Becky Schwartz

"When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge."
*Albert Einstein {1879-1955 American Physicist & Nobel Laureate}


'Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.'
-Murphy's Law


'Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.'
-Dr. Seuss

Remember the time Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish, but you told me I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart, why did I have the bowl? -Milhouse, Simpsons

"The song used to be called Saddest Girl Story, but we changed the name to Avril Lavigne's life is worth less than the Canadian dollar - Kenny Vasoli from The Starting Line 12/26/02


An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise.


"Well I believe in the soul... the cock... the pussy... the small of a woman's back... the hangin' curveball... high fiber... good scotch... that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent overrated crap... I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Goodnight.-Crash Davis


The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful.


It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right


Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them


Better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven


"At one time or another I have insulted everybody, and I am proud of that. Folks, let me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad, and drugs are good. I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun and young people should be discouraged from voting. I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a pervsion, Bushs lies are worse than Clintons and there is nothing sexy about being old or pregnant. I think 9-11 changed nothing, and if I had known the onset of war would add a hundred points on to Bushs IQ, I would have started one. I think pornography stops rape, I think AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. I think death is not the worst thing that can happen. I think people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think children are not innocent, God doesnt write books, and Jesus wasnt a republican. I am for mad cow disease, and against suing tobacco companies. I think girls hate each other, no doesnt always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, womens sports are boring, and the Olympics are gay. Well be on for another six weeks here on ABC - Bill Maher


Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fuckin have it -Boiler Room

"thats what i love about high school girls, i get older  they stay the same age " Dazed and Confused

It is OK to revisit the past. Just don't set up permanent residence.


"The less time I have to work with, the more I get done


We are the middle children of history, with no purpose or place. Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. -Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are not how much money is in your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. -Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

"You have to be prepared for the possibility that God does not like you. -Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything. -Tyler Durden, "Fight Club

How do you shoot the Devil in the back? What if you miss? -Verbal Kint, "The Usual Suspects"

An Animated Cartoon Theology:

  1. People are animals.
  2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
  3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
  4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
  5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
  6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
  7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us. - E. L. Doctorow
    "The Book of Daniel"

"You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it" -Toilet graffiti

"When I was in prison I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That Tolstoy crap. People shouldn't read that stuff. When we read these books what purpose does it serve in this day and time?" -Mike Tyson

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. -Howard Kandel 

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours. -Jerome K. Jerome

"Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking"

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

All imaginable inventions have already been invented." -Manager of the American Patent Agency Charles Duell 1899

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

"How far is near and how near is far? If you're looking up now, we see the same star." -Jack Piatt

"The fact is there ain't enough Whiskey in the state of Georgia to get me drunk enough"... (well how drunk is drunk enough?)... "It's all a matter of brain cells. You See every drink of liquor you take kills a 1000 brain cells. First the Sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. Then finally come the memory cells. These are tough to kill"
- Matt Damon from "The Legend of Bagger Vance"

"If others are jealous your doing something right"


When I buy a book, I always read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is the dark side." -When Harry Met Sally

"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on." -Arthur K. Watson

"And the wild regrets and the bloody sweats, none know as much as I, for he who lives more lives than one more deaths than one must die." -Oscar Wilde


"Women see better than men. Men see lazily, if they do not expect to act. Women see quite without any wish to act."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


"Kid you tried your best and failed miserably... The lesson is NEVER TRY" - Homer Simpson from The Simpsons


"If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit. "

"Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted
Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants!" -Toilet graffiti

"To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture."- Anatole France

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."

Douglas Adams,

"Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. "


"When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it. " - Anatole France

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." - Epicurus

"A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really_ attractive. " - Bruce Friedman


"If you want to be the best, you must Lose... YOUR... MIND!" - Ski School


"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hm? Mmmm." Yoda

"Your in college, the window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day"- Seann William Scott from Road Trip

"The people most likely to succeed arent those who are the smartest or the ones who try the hardest, those who succeed are those who can make the most out of any situation and whom can BS the way out of anything"- Grebe

"Is the future you see.... Difficult to see...Always in Motion is the Future"- Yoda


"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and Too young to be a Republican"-
The DIGGLA!!!!!!


"Take Care, Be what You want, Do what you dare, Get up on Time, Go to Class, Party Hard and Shake that ASS- Alyssa C.

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